I am impatient. I'm unkind. I don't put up with chaos and noise in my home too well. I'm a slob, and I drive too fast.
So God decided to give me a husband and six kids.
He saw my sin before I did. He knew my hate, bitterness, weaknesses, impatience, selfishness, and unlovable soul before I knew any of it existed. Yup, I knew I was a sinner... don't we all sin? But I really had no clue how absolutely ugly I was... what a horrible wretch of a person I was... until I was married with children. And, every time I held another sweet babe... perfect and all soft and warm... another ugly piece of my heart was brought up to the surface.
But I don't think that I would have seen it had I not had children. You know... the hate and all. It's like all those sleepless nights and kids bickering and me spread so thin was too much.
And out of my mouth spewed the grime that had been brewing deep deep in my heart. Because out of my mouth was just the overflow of my heart.
So one wasn't enough. I was way too messed up for just one. By two, my anger and need for complete control was revealed.
"What is wrong with me?!" I used to think.
But then I managed, and it really wasn't that hard.
But God wasn't done.
So he gave me another.
And another.
And another.
And soon, another.
With each perfect, sweet life that has been birthed from my body, it has taken more of me. The sin issues that have been brought to the surface had to be dealt with... because all of a sudden, they're there. Right in front of my face. And I'm looking in a mirror and I don't like what I'm seeing. There's me, looking nothing like my Jesus.
And then there is grace.
And I lay at his feet and pour out worship like perfume on Him and weep because I know what a wretch I am and how beautiful and perfect and sweet and amazing and holy HE is... but He is gracious enough not to leave me the same, and merciful enough not to blow me to bits! So He started a work. And that work, it's called sanctification. And that work that He started... He's faithfully going to complete it. And one day, I will worship Him with no baggage and no shame for the mess I know that I really am. But right now, as my Jesus is transforming me, He uses people. Little ones. Little ones with tiny fingers and toes that cry and need me and are really depending on me for their very existence.
My sanctification babies.
With baby number six on the way, I read through my writings and my journals and see the junk in my past. I finger through the pages where there were tears with the pen in my hand, and the grief that I felt for the horrible mistakes I made as a parent. And then I see the pages where there was worship bubbling from my soul... I couldn't write fast enough... I felt God moving.
But I see change. Through the pages, I read and thank God for dealing with me so graciously. And I read more and see how I'm still dealing with that same old thing, and I'm thankful that God isn't exhausted with me.
His love is relentless.
He is still pursuing me.
And I am humbled.
I can't say that we wanted more kids, because really, life would be easier if we just would have stopped. But God is using our sweet babes for His will and His purposes. Because it's not about us anyway, is it? God knows my tendencies to be selfish, messy, and totally undisciplined. He knows my need for control... and how the mess from lots of kids totally freaks me out. With each baby, I've had to choose to let it go. Not by myself, but with the Holy Spirit inside of me. Because it's not by my might... or by my power, but by His spirit.
In sharing all of my mess, I don't want anyone to assume that I don't enjoy my children. Because that just isn't true. I love them with a deep and passionate love. I want them to understand the Gospel of Jesus Christ and how it will transform the every day. I want good things for my kids. I want to be a good mom for my kids. But in order to be the mom that God wants me to be for the sweet daughters and son on the way that He has entrusted me with, I have to face the sin that He reveals. And I have to let Him heal so the bitter doesn't keep growing. I know God is using my children to transform me... to grow in Christ-likeness... and I am moved because God is using the least of these to change one of His daughters that He loves so much.
He loves me too much to leave me the way that I am.
So He chose sanctification babies to change my heart.
