I have to share what God had done for me! The enemy's lies to my soul have been revealed, and I am on my way to freedom.
I am taking off my grave clothes!
(And I apologize for the lack of paragraphs. They were in my draft, but didn't stay there when I posted this. And I don't know how to fix that.)
For quite some time now, I have been dealing with the scars that were left from a sexually abusive past. These scars have made it difficult to experience intimacy like God has intended it to be. I would think, "I just need to forgive the person that hurt me" or "Maybe I should just let myself be angry at someone." I would go down different avenues of healing... all of them seeming helpful and good, but nothing was really getting to the core of the issue. And I had no idea HOW to get to the core of the issue. I read books. I have had mentors. I just sucked it up and dealt with it. I memorized verses. I journaled. I let myself cry. But I always ended back in the same place: Doubting my salvation, thinking that God was angry with me, and not knowing HOW to be what God wants married women to be in the confines of their marriage bed. I lived in condemnation for not being was I knew I was supposed to be, but I could not figure out how to GET there! Sometimes I felt like I was just going to go crazy and never be healed.
Then I went to True Woman this past weekend. I didn't expect to get what God gave me there. I thought that there was possibly some sin that God was going to show me, or I was going to commit to reading my Bible more... I wasn't sure, but I knew I was supposed to be there. I knew this because every force on the planet was trying to keep me from going! I had to find childcare two days before leaving because our previous plans fell through. It was ridiculous, and so obvious Satan did NOT want me going.
I sat in on a breakout session with Dannah Gresh, who in the author of And the Bride Wore White, and a few other books on parenting. Her session was on raising pure and holy children. Of course I want pure and holy children! I was so there! As Dannah spoke, I was sitting on the edge of my seat, soaking up every word she was saying. I couldn't get enough. Then, she said started talking about our sexual past and wounds that haven't been healed.
Oh good grief. I can't deal with this right now. How many times have I tried to deal with this? I don't want to right now. I want pure DAUGHTERS. This isn't about me. But then she said, "If you have not healed from your sexual past, you cannot have a pure daughter."
I thought my brain had just exploded.
Then she went on to discuss the products that are marketed for our eight year old daughters. She showed pictures of padded triangle bikini tops, thongs, and makeup for our precious little daughters. Then, she said what God wanted me to hear; it's the reason that I was in that room, in that moment.
"
Satan is using these products to distort our daughters' sexuality, which, one day, will tarnish their marriage bed, which will, in turn, distort the gospel."
You mean, all of this is on purpose.... to ruin my daughters' marriage bed... to ruin the beautiful picture of Christ and the church?
Then it hit me, and I was stunned. I sort of felt a little sick.
My abuse was done
on purpose and was
intentional to
stain my marriage bed, which, if left alone and not taken care of, could one day distort the gospel to the watching world.
The realization of this made me So. Angry.
You mean, it wasn't just a random sinful act done because we live in a sinful world?
Well, yes, maybe part of that is true. But Satan's plan are much more strategic than that. He wants to destroy the beautiful redemption story which is so amazingly portrayed in marriage, that if he can destroy a girls' thoughts about sex when she's little, that will carry over into her marriage, making distorted and painful what God intended to be beautiful and holy.
I spent the rest of the night holding back sobs, when finally, I couldn't hold it in any more! I needed to be angry and cry! I felt like Satan had been standing behind me with one of his evil hands over my eyes so I could not see the truth, one wrapped around my throat as if he was choking off my spiritual life support, and was whispering evil into my ears..... telling me lies that would keep me in bondage for my entire marriage and relationship history.
I could see that image so clearly in my head.
So what now?! I was given spiritual eyes to see the ugliness of my state, so where was I to go from here? What was I going to do with all of that...
anger?
I had a group of sweet friends pray over me that night. It was such a humbling thing to do... to have to ask for prayer for such an intimate thing..such a shameful and ugly thing. But my friends cried with me. They prayed for me. The hugged me. And then one of my friends suggested that I let my anger fuel the desire to do what God wants me to do from now on. I can't let Satan have power over that area of my life any more, now that I know the truth.
The gospel is at stake.
I went to church a few days after all of that took place, and got to talk to my friend and pastor's wife for a little bit. I was so excited to share with her about what God was doing in my life. She reminded me of the story of Lazerus in John chapter 11. Jesus had raised him from the dead, but he still had his grave clothes on! Jesus said, "Take off your grave clothes." I cannot go on with my former way of thinking. I can't go on living in the stink and the funk of my grave clothes! I have been made new... Jesus raised me up from the dead when He called me to Himself, and now I am getting rid of the smelly grave clothes... hallelujah!
I just need to say to
you, take off your grave clothes.Let the gospel be revealed to the watching world!
