Lily

I've been having issues with one of my children, and on most days, I feel like I want to sit down in the middle of my kitchen floor and start weeping because I am so tired of playing child therapist. Seriously, there's a lot of drama in this house filled with five daughters and a hormonal mama! But there's something about this child that just screams "Eeyore"! God showed my early on that this child was going to be different; that she was going to need special care and attention.

Over the years, though, I have forgotten that word that I received from the Lord. My daughter's name is 'Lily'. I didn't want to name her that. She was supposed to be 'Riley'. But, my husband loved the name Lily, and I didn't want to name her something he wasn't totally on board with. So, Lily it was.

God had a sweet story woven into her name.

She was a colicky baby, and she grew into a very stubborn and angry two year old. Lily was one of those babies that had to have the fold of her socks a certain way, and the texture and fit of a shirt exactly how she wanted it, and if it wasn't exactly how she wanted it, she would make sure I knew how unhappy she was. Lily was my sweet girl who almost died on me after drinking lamp oil. She was the girl who spent 3 nights in the hospital with pneumonia.

But she is the girl with intense and almost painful compassion. She feels things. Her beauty is captivating and breathtaking.

I was crying out to God one day,(I'm sure after a meltdown and fit of some sort), and I really felt like He was telling me to research the care of a lily. In my searching, God met me and showed me that my girl was different and her needs could not be changed or looked over. In my research, I learned that, with proper care, a lily will grow into a beautiful flower that keeps coming back year after year.

First in care for a lily is planting it where it will receive full sunshine, knowing it will thrive best there. That is a reminder to me that, first off, Lily needs to be "planted" in a place where she is going to be able to bask in and know the love of her Savior. She's been "planted" in our home which means that Seth and I need to be the vessel for bringing Jesus,the light of the world, into our home by way of Scripture, music, and living out in example. Just like the sun is the light source for the earth that helps the lilies grow, Jesus needs to be the light source in our home. My girl's gotta know Jesus and have His light shining on her to help her grow. Knowing her Savior loves her and died for her to make a way to the Father is going to make all the difference in her "Eeyore" tendencies.

Next, a lily needs a layer of mulch to protect it from the frost in the spring. I feel like that says to me that Lily needs protection from the elements so that she can flourish. She needs her mom and dad to cover her and love her so that she feels safe. That way, when there is an unexpected "frost" in her life, she has a layer of protection that will keep her spirit "alive" and well.

Then comes fertilizer. A lily needs food to keep going and to grow like it needs to. My Lily also needs her little love tank fed so that she can keep going. Her love language is time, so my Lily's fertilizer is time with her parents so that she can flourish. I can't always just sit on the couch with her because I have four other children, but interacting with her on purpose is huge for Lily. Maybe one day we could fold the laundry together and just talk while we do it. I've found that when Lily just spends in my presence, she's full of love; enough to give out to others. I can't be mad at her for needing that; Isn't that just how we are with God? We've gotta sit at His feet and let Him fill us up so that we can give to others?

After fertilizer is water. Not a heavy watering, but one that is consistent. Lily doesn't need a once a month date with her dad to help her grow, she needs consistent time on a regular basis to meet her special needs. A lily needs ALL of these things; not just one or two of them. Without all of them together, the growth of a lily isn't going to be what it could be, and it could die. Isn't that just like my Lily? Without one of those elements in her growth, her spirit will be crushed, and she will not be able to flourish.

I have forgotten some time ago what God spoke to me. My Lily has been frustrated, discouraged, sad, and mad. But all the elements to her growth haven't been there. (And I have just wanted to throw my hands up in the air and eat a box of Hoho's!) God brought me back into focus this morning. He reminded me of what He told me almost five years ago.

This one's different. She's needs more of you.

I can't care for my Lily the way she needs all by myself. I need the Master Gardener to walk by my side and gently remind me of what my garden needs, because I forget sometimes. I have to meet with Him every day, or my garden of flowers is going to suffer.

Take Off Your Grave Clothes! Dooo it!

I have to share what God had done for me! The enemy's lies to my soul have been revealed, and I am on my way to freedom. I am taking off my grave clothes! (And I apologize for the lack of paragraphs. They were in my draft, but didn't stay there when I posted this. And I don't know how to fix that.) For quite some time now, I have been dealing with the scars that were left from a sexually abusive past. These scars have made it difficult to experience intimacy like God has intended it to be. I would think, "I just need to forgive the person that hurt me" or "Maybe I should just let myself be angry at someone." I would go down different avenues of healing... all of them seeming helpful and good, but nothing was really getting to the core of the issue. And I had no idea HOW to get to the core of the issue. I read books. I have had mentors. I just sucked it up and dealt with it. I memorized verses. I journaled. I let myself cry. But I always ended back in the same place: Doubting my salvation, thinking that God was angry with me, and not knowing HOW to be what God wants married women to be in the confines of their marriage bed. I lived in condemnation for not being was I knew I was supposed to be, but I could not figure out how to GET there! Sometimes I felt like I was just going to go crazy and never be healed. Then I went to True Woman this past weekend. I didn't expect to get what God gave me there. I thought that there was possibly some sin that God was going to show me, or I was going to commit to reading my Bible more... I wasn't sure, but I knew I was supposed to be there. I knew this because every force on the planet was trying to keep me from going! I had to find childcare two days before leaving because our previous plans fell through. It was ridiculous, and so obvious Satan did NOT want me going. I sat in on a breakout session with Dannah Gresh, who in the author of And the Bride Wore White, and a few other books on parenting. Her session was on raising pure and holy children. Of course I want pure and holy children! I was so there! As Dannah spoke, I was sitting on the edge of my seat, soaking up every word she was saying. I couldn't get enough. Then, she said started talking about our sexual past and wounds that haven't been healed. Oh good grief. I can't deal with this right now. How many times have I tried to deal with this? I don't want to right now. I want pure DAUGHTERS. This isn't about me. But then she said, "If you have not healed from your sexual past, you cannot have a pure daughter." I thought my brain had just exploded. Then she went on to discuss the products that are marketed for our eight year old daughters. She showed pictures of padded triangle bikini tops, thongs, and makeup for our precious little daughters. Then, she said what God wanted me to hear; it's the reason that I was in that room, in that moment. "Satan is using these products to distort our daughters' sexuality, which, one day, will tarnish their marriage bed, which will, in turn, distort the gospel." You mean, all of this is on purpose.... to ruin my daughters' marriage bed... to ruin the beautiful picture of Christ and the church? Then it hit me, and I was stunned. I sort of felt a little sick. My abuse was done on purpose and was intentional to stain my marriage bed, which, if left alone and not taken care of, could one day distort the gospel to the watching world. The realization of this made me So. Angry. You mean, it wasn't just a random sinful act done because we live in a sinful world? Well, yes, maybe part of that is true. But Satan's plan are much more strategic than that. He wants to destroy the beautiful redemption story which is so amazingly portrayed in marriage, that if he can destroy a girls' thoughts about sex when she's little, that will carry over into her marriage, making distorted and painful what God intended to be beautiful and holy. I spent the rest of the night holding back sobs, when finally, I couldn't hold it in any more! I needed to be angry and cry! I felt like Satan had been standing behind me with one of his evil hands over my eyes so I could not see the truth, one wrapped around my throat as if he was choking off my spiritual life support, and was whispering evil into my ears..... telling me lies that would keep me in bondage for my entire marriage and relationship history. I could see that image so clearly in my head. So what now?! I was given spiritual eyes to see the ugliness of my state, so where was I to go from here? What was I going to do with all of that... anger? I had a group of sweet friends pray over me that night. It was such a humbling thing to do... to have to ask for prayer for such an intimate thing..such a shameful and ugly thing. But my friends cried with me. They prayed for me. The hugged me. And then one of my friends suggested that I let my anger fuel the desire to do what God wants me to do from now on. I can't let Satan have power over that area of my life any more, now that I know the truth. The gospel is at stake. I went to church a few days after all of that took place, and got to talk to my friend and pastor's wife for a little bit. I was so excited to share with her about what God was doing in my life. She reminded me of the story of Lazerus in John chapter 11. Jesus had raised him from the dead, but he still had his grave clothes on! Jesus said, "Take off your grave clothes." I cannot go on with my former way of thinking. I can't go on living in the stink and the funk of my grave clothes! I have been made new... Jesus raised me up from the dead when He called me to Himself, and now I am getting rid of the smelly grave clothes... hallelujah! I just need to say to you, take off your grave clothes.Let the gospel be revealed to the watching world!